Sometimes I Get Deep

Confusion. That’s the name of the city in which my thoughts reside.

It borders Miscommunication and Delusion. It’s close allies with Heartache.

The sky is grey, muddy and dark.

We don’t have trees here in Confusion, just murky water and grey skies.

We don’t have flowers here in Confusion, just weeds; growing like the incessant thoughts that plague my mind.

We aren’t allowed sleep here in Confusion. We get no breaks.

There are no tears, no cries or sobs. Just blinding numbness.

Confusion. That’s the place I find myself at two a.m.

Confusion. That’s the place I live in now.

Here we are frozen. Stuck in a place we cannot escape.

This is Confusion and I am the only inhabitant.

Just a little something I played around with. Hope you enjoy it despite its darker mood.

xx

The List

Growing up I was always told to make a List. A List of things I wanted in a boyfriend/husband that was everything I could ever hope for in my man. Even as a Christian I was told to make this list by friends, mostly with a sense of lightheartedness to it. There were the typical things like funny, sweet, cute, tall, and then as time went on those things were molded into something much deeper. It became about wanting someone who treated children with love and respect, who could make me smile in the worst of moods and again - tall (kidding...kinda). This list is something that most girls have, whether it's written down on paper or not. What I recently realized though is I want someone who knows all the details. Who knows that I love hot chocolate even when it's 100 degrees outside, who knows that I love Funfetti best, who knows that I try desperately hard to please people despite the fact that it's not good for me. I want someone who knows what soda I like best and where I like getting my nails done. Someone who knows what my favorite bible verses are and that I love coffee with cream and 2 Splendas. Now I know this as all been mostly fluff but hang on with me for a second. I realized that I have been hoping for this man to come along and know all these things about me without noticing that He was already here. Not only is He already here but He's the reason why I enjoy all of these things. That He is Christ, the very person who gave me the love of hot chocolate and fresh flowers. I've spent so much time throughout the course of my life on a list that has no real weight to it. I fail to see the relationship I have that is complete and pure and whole with Christ and focus on being excited for whomever I find in the future to have those things. I know I sound like another girl who thinks about nothing but boys, but there is something so much deeper in this lesson. We are loved by Someone who not only knows us but MADE us. He created these crazy things about me and doesn't simply like me for them but loves me for them. He knows our worth and our value and that it's in Him, not some guy or girl walking down the street that may be "the one". I wish I had known all along that when people told me to write this List that it didn't matter what was on it. At the end of the day the List has already been fulfilled to my wildest dream by the most wonderful of all Creators.

 So, Ladies and Gentlemen (single or not) lets all take some time and appreciate that we were created by our God who in Luke 12:7 says "Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." Christ loves us with such detail that He knows not only our favorite soda but even how many hairs there are on our heads - and that is something to be truly thankful for.

xx

The End of Another Year

Here I am sitting in my room, looking at the blank walls as I pack and thinking about how so much has changed in this past year. When I started this school year I was a totally different person than I am now. I was in a serious relationship, somewhat lost, and seeking God with pretty much only half my heart. Flash-forward to now, 8 months later, and I’m fully seeking Jesus, completely content in my singleness and at home in a major that I love. The funny thing is if you had asked me 8 months ago if any of those things would have been true I would have thought you were crazy. I didn’t think anything was off in my relationship with Christ, I ignored the fact that I was stressed and lost, and I was happy with my boyfriend. God does funny things though, things that you don’t realize you need, and He did a lot for that for me this year. I’ve grown so much as a person in 8 months, going from someone who thought she had it all together to realizing that I’m a broken girl with an amazing Savior. I went from being comfortable to being pushed to explore emotions and feelings that I had no desire to discover. I realized that I suck most of the time and the only reason why I’m any good is because I have Jesus. When people used to tell me that I honestly thought they were crazy. How could you realize how awful you are as a person but be so content in that? I thought there has to be guilt, they have to be lying, none of it made sense to me. Then through some clarity God helped me see how broken I am. I don’t say that lightly, I don’t say that I suck because I’m getting down on myself and looking for pity. I say these things because at my core I’m completely wicked without God. (Jeremiah 17:9). I can be a horrible friend, an awful daughter, mean sister, bad girlfriend, and an unmotivated student. I have been all of those things in the past and I’m sure there will be moments in the future where it happens again. The literal saving grace to that is Jesus. In the moments where I fall short God has taught me over the course of this year to come to Him for support and encouragement rather than others. Don’t get me wrong, having friends and people around you for support is totally necessary, but in my life I’ve realized that they never will compare to the love that God continually pours out on me (Isaiah 55:8-9). It’s wonderful to look back and think about how I had everything I wanted at the start of this year and now I’m leaving with everything I needed. As someone who loves change I more often than not can be very resistant to it. Thankfully the God whom I love is more persistent in making me whole than I am. I’m excited to see what God plans on doing in my life this summer as I go back home to work and really open to the idea that He could lead me anywhere. The freedom that comes from trusting God with my future is wonderful and it’s another thing that I’ve learned I need to do more of! 

To show you something fun I’ll give you part of a list I started with Elizabeth the other day and we were walking on campus. The list was titled “Things I’m happy about” and I can’t remember them all but I’ll give you some:

1.    I’m officially done with my Junior year of college and more importantly I made it through finals

2.     That I have a great roomie

3.     That I got a free milkshake

4.     That I’m pale

5.     That I never had to get braces

6.     That I have lots of clothes

7.     That Jesus loves me

8.     That it’s summertime

9.     That I’m done with school…until summer school starts

10. That I have crazy hair

11. That I love my major

12. That I have great friends

13. That Starbucks exists

14. That I can walk

15. That I’m finally moving off campus! Ahhhhhh!

 We got up to like 30 before we arrived at out destination. There were lots of silly ones and she was questioning my sanity as we walked but I had lots of fun making it. I hope to everyone reading this that you have a fantastic day, go outside and enjoy the sun and read a good book! 

I’ll leave you with a current favorite verse, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to that soul and healing to the bones. –Proverbs 16:24”

 Say something nice to someone today, you never know the effect it could have!

xx

A Bittersweet Visit

I recently went on a very impromptu trip to Connecticut, the state where my father is from. The reason for the trip was because my grandmother unfortunately passed away and I flew up there to be with all my family. It was such a sad reason to travel but it was so wonderful to see all my family who I haven't seen in years and remember the wonderful life my G.G. lived. One afternoon while there I went to the Seaport in Mystic and took some pictures. I love the seaport. I love history so it was really neat to see old restored boats. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

xx

Why write?

People ask me all the time why is it that I write. They're curious as to when I started and what inspires me to do so. I figure I'd just answer that question for all of you now so that I can just make it clear. In order to tell you why I write I have to start off with when. I started writing when I was a Senior in high school. Of course I wrote papers and essays before that but I really started writing for myself that year. I was dealing with a rocky relationship and a friend suggested that I write about how I felt as a means to cope. The first time I did it I never intended to go back or write again. I don't know what happened but when I wrote for that first time I felt at home. It felt natural, like something I had done thousands of times before. After that first experience I was hooked. Now, why is it that I like it so much? Because of that feeling of home. There's something so freeing about expressing how you feel through words. I write to get away, to escape from the world when I need to breathe. I write because you can never say too much or be too emotional in your words. I write when I don't know what to say. I write to express what I can't convey in actions. I write in secret and I write publicly. I pour out my heart in the words on the page and after that I'm free again. To write is to feel, to grow, to experience. I never write with the intention of being good at it or impressing people with my thoughts. Writing can be a selfish thing but also something that's extremely healing. I write when I'm happy and sad, hurt and joyous, overwhelmed and content. There's no formula to the way a person writes. There's no equation to how you put the words on the page. Sometimes I just write single words in a collection on the page. Sometimes it makes no sense when read by others. Sometimes the style of writing is more important than what's actually said. Writing is home to me, it's the break in the storms, it's safe. I write to feel, I write to live, I write to breathe. That's why I write, because for the rest of my life it will always feel like home. 

xx

My Weekend Away

Hello Out There!

This past weekend I just went to an awesome conference this past weekend and arrived back home earlier today. The conference I attended was called Campus Harvest and it was my second time attending since being in college. It’s a wonderful conference full of college students who love the Lord and amazing Pastors filled with awe-inspiring worship. If you haven’t guessed by now I am a Christian, a follower of Christ, a lover of Jesus – whatever you want to call it. For some reason I was sitting here in my bed and I felt the need to talk about what God’s been doing in my life. This is a tricky thing for me. It’s not that I don’t like talking about God or the amazing things He’s done in my life but I generally only let people know what I want them to know. I’ve always considered myself a very open person but I’ve recently come to realize I’m a pretty selective sharer. So here it is a nutshell: I’m far more broken and desperate than I ever thought I was. I put things over God, I care more about what happened on facebook that day than spending time with Jesus, I’d rather watch a movie than read my bible and so many other things. I have the tendency to get caught up in my “goodness” as I like to call it. I generally think that I’m a good person and that should qualify God to bless me with things. Oh, how wrong I have been. God has been working in my life the past few months exposing the areas in which I truly need Him and wasn’t allowing myself to let Him control. In those moments where my “goodness” has tried to sneak in and tell me I deserve attention or appreciation or recognition God has really shown me that I am not worthy of that glory and He is. You see I really experience God in the little things. Its been awhile since I had a tangible, shocking, passionate, real, intense moment with God. For a few months He has just been there in those little things. For example: my parking luck. Now, my whole life its been a running joke in my family that I have parking luck. Basically, if you’re in the car with me I have this ability to rub off on you and you always find a close parking spot (I know it’s silly but bear with me here). Well this past year God has extended that luck to a daily occurrence. I have a parking permit for a specific lot on campus but it’s much further away than convenient. In laziness I was determined to find a loophole and that I did. There’s free parking on the blocks that parallel where I live literally not even a full block away. The downside to this is that there is about 16 spots and everyone else who has this same permit wants these spots too. Yet every time I’m driving back to park there’s always a spot for me to park in. To most people this is small and most likely insignificant or taken for granted, but for me it means so much. Parking close is great but that’s not what the message that I get out of it. It’s that nothing is small and insignificant in God’s eyes. Including me. Including you. My love for Him seems so small compared to His love for me but when He sees my love for Him he sees no sign of insignificance, no sign of unworthiness. That’s the key. That’s what I was looking for all weekend long when I kept asking God why He hadn’t met me in the way I wanted Him to. The key is His love and adoration for us by sending His son Jesus to take the place of all of my insignificance and all of my unworthiness so that all He sees when he looks at me is love. God lowered Himself to the point of men, the very flesh who chose to permanently separate us from Him for our selfish gain, so that we could be set free. Set free from all of our flaws, all of our sins, and all of our past. I’m attempting to journey on this new path with God, one that I don’t recognize and to be honest absolutely terrifies me. I’m seeking to be open and vulnerable and to speak freely of where God has been leading me. I want to be real with God and to pursue Him with all I have. I want to give Him everything because He gave more than everything to be on this Earth and save me. I want to love Him because He chose me. He saved me. He redeemed me. Not because I am good, not because I strive to be the best Christian I can be but because when He sees me He sees Jesus. For the others out there who think that being “good” is all it takes I hope this helped you realize that you can’t earn God’s love. I didn’t do anything to earn a parking spot but each time He’s been there offering me one, just like Jesus offered His life for me. All it takes is the little things to see that God has been and always will be there for you. Don’t let your desire to find those big moments overshadow your ability to see Him in every small, detailed aspect of your life. Look around you - I promise you He’s right there. 

xx

15 Facts for the Average Reader

So, if you haven't talked to me in awhile or aren't very close to me there are some things you should know. 

1. I never sleep - literally. It's a miracle if I fall asleep before 3 (recently its been more like 4). 

2. My lack of sleep has lead me to become totally dependent on coffee to the point where my friends worry for my health. 

3. I'm an art major which also contributes to never sleeping because I'm always in the studio. 

4. I love Jesus. Not in some cliche way that I say just for attention but in an all encompassing way. He changed my life and I'll spend the rest of my life trying my hardest to come close to loving Him in the same way He loves me.

5. I have 2 tattoos one that was a silly decision I made when I was 18 just to get a tattoo (thankfully I still like it) and the other was in honor of my baptism. I'm hoping to get a few more this summer.

6. I go to ECU - a crazy, wonderful school with a pirate for a mascot. Located in Eastern North Carolina and the town over is Farmville. Seriously...I wish I was kidding. 

7. I have what all my friends call a very sassy personality. Other words people have used in recent years to describe me are as followed: fiesty, happy, passionate, fashionista, bold, hyper-active, loves to paint her nails, kind - along with a million others. I'm sure there are some bad ones to put in there but I'd rather make you think that I'm just all good things (juuuuuustkidding, I'm not that great).

8. I live with the most amazing roomate ever, her name is Elizabeth and she keeps me sane with her insanity. She's been there for me through so much and she never fails to make me laugh. I love her to death and am so blessed to have her in my life. Plus, we encourage each other to make bad life choices like making cookies at 1:30 am and ordering pizza at 3 am. How much better could a friend get that that? Impossible. 

9. I love music and last semester I had a large affection towards tv shows. My friends were worried for my brain but I had so much free time and nothing to do so I just picked up tv shows...16 of them. It was an issue for real, I admit. Now, I barely watch 2 a week!

10. I have a serious passion for fashion. I hate rhyming that but it just works so well. Clothing is what I love most, it's what all my money gets spent on. Except when at school then it goes to Cookout (my one and only love who I've recently separated from because he started to become bad for my life). 

11. I love making lists (couldyatell?)

12. I try really really hard to hate pink...but it never works. I realize it's strange to try and hate a color but it's just what I do.

13. I like to bake, cupcakes are my favorite. Especially of the funfetti variety, it's the quickest way to my heart - besides doughnuts. 

14. I'm deathly afraid of bugs, deathly. Cockroaches follow me wherever I go (literally the past two rooms I've lived in have had cockroach problems and I'm not that messy of a person). I think they're out to get me, my sister once tried to make me feel better by saying it's because they're attracted to my prettiness or sweetness. I think she was just trying to make me feel better about the situation and since she's my little sister she was probably trying to suck up some too (which I never mind).

15. Elizabeth is about to be germinating seeds in our room aka our castle, it should be an interesting experience to say the least. I'll let you all know how it goes. 

I'll leave you with a quote for the road. Andy Warhol once said "You need to let the ordinary things that once bored you suddenly thrill you." Enjoy the little things today, they're so much more fun when you notice them!

xx